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THE WAR ON
BY ADAM WAJNBERG
July 7, 2003
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Got a new job recently. Didn't want to, but rent is
rent and blood money is blood money, and sooner or later something
had to give.
The best thing about starting a new job, particularly
in the customer service industry, is the training. 3 weeks spent drawing
on butcher's paper and eating free Fantales
while trying to impress the better looking women in your group. The
other good thing is the bounty
of material for comedy built into the training schedule. On the first
or second day, you're going to get a bomb threat checklist to place
under your phone, in the event a particularly stupid and tactless
terrorist happens to call in. The checklist includes such tough interrogative
What is your name?
Where are you?
What is your address?
Having received this list, I decided it was lacking
a few questions, and include them now for the benefit of our readership.
Feel free to use these should you yourself one day end up receiving
a phoned in bomb threat.
Dude, what's your problem?
Is this a puppy bomb? Will it hurt puppies?
Do I look fat in this?
Speaking of bombs -- have you seen How To Lose A
Guy In 10 Days?
Would you describe yourself as a "camel jockey"?
So who do you think will play you in the movie?
Oh yeah? Who's gonna explode the fucking thing? YOU?
In the unlikely event that these questions fail to yield
information, inform the caller you aren't afraid of the bomb, as the
entire building has been sprayed with bomb repellent. If that fails
to dissuade the terrorist, suggest that he "take a chill pill,
Phil" (also works if terrorist's name is Bill).
Should all else fail, and the likelihood of explosion
become high, put down the phone and walk away from the building, whistling
nonchalantly. The last thing you want to do is cause a panic.
Remember: you can't spell "putting an end to the
war on terrorism" without "u".
Since he wrote this article, Adam has quit his job.