Patrick McGinlay's Internet Tendency

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August 11, 2003

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Well, Channel Nine cancelled Micallef's show. It happened very suddenly.

They give reasons, of course. Low ratings, they say. Only 800,000 Australians out of 19 million were watching. He was competing with Denton and Rove for guests. His interviews were stilted.

But you and I know why he was REALLY axed. Don't we, Mr Packer?

It was the $500 porn.

See, most people don't know about $500 porn. It's a secret, kept by the richest and most influential people in the country. Only the cool, the successful, the HIP and HAPPENING people know about it.

Let me explain.

As we are all aware, there are stores that sell videotapes of pornography. This same pornography is also available for viewing on cable television. It's low quality material. Even the best of it is pretty skanky looking. Semi-attractive actresses. Cardboard tables. Men with mullets. Not an entirely pleasant experience.

Certainly not pleasant enough for the sons and daughters of the Australian establishment. Business leaders, movie stars, trendsetters. Do you really think Russell Crowe beats off to the same lousy porn as you? Do you really think those Secret Life kids get off to crusty old issues of PEOPLE?

Well, they don't. They have $500 porn.

"$500 porn" is its commonly used name, although it often costs a lot more than $500.

$500 porn is pornography much like that which you have seen before, only far better. $500 porn features actors you have heard of, usually secondary characters from TV soaps, occasionally up-and-coming young newsreaders. They demand higher salaries, of course; hence the high cost of this pornography.

They do things you wouldn't believe. Together. They debase themselves willingly, with grins on their faces. You would be stunned by the things you see in $500 porn movies. Only, of course, you will never see them. Unless you become successful and important.

This high-quality porn, like high-quality narcotics, is not available on just any street corner or alleyway. The only way to purchase $500 porn is to attend the exclusive parties, the secret ones, the gatherings of the Beautiful People.

At these parties, a casual glance, a crinkled eye, a seductive wink, and you will be in a back room, lovingly furnished, speaking with a woman you feel you have seen before in a million different dreams. Her lips will curl up in an impossibly attractive smile as you pass her the money (500? 1000? more?) and she, in return, breathes a lavender word in your ear.

Then, minutes or hours later, you will hardly be able to picture her in your mind. Was she real, or merely a dream?

But it won't matter, because you have a fine wine in your glass, a single bead of sweat running down your back... and a $500 porno tape in your jacket pocket.

Micallef undoubtedly learned of this. He intended to spill these secrets on his television show. Channel Nine could not let that happen (they are one of the foremost financial beneficiaries of the $500 porn industry -- after all, they own most of the stars). If the general public knew that their favourite gardening show hosts were engaging in sexual acts on film for the benefit of the ruling class, there would be major scandal.

So Nine simply cancelled his show. Immediately.

This is modus operandi for Nine. If you remember, Rove McManus and Mick Molloy were axed the same way, with the same speed... and, I suspect, for the same reason.

You will never hear McManus, Molloy or Micallef speak of $500 porn -- ever. The entire media and entertainment industry is either complicit or gagged. Blackmail, threats... those in control will do anything to keep their secrets secret.

And yet, occasionally, a rumour will wisp out. A newsreader with a bottle. A TV host in an elevator. We've all heard these stories, laughed, forgotten. But most never connect the dots. Most never delve deeper.

Look at this article. Read it through carefully, with the knowledge you how have. Who is mentioned? Who is being fired and who is being hired? Consider why these things have happened. Come to your own conclusions. If you follow the logic, you will no doubt be correct.

It is happening. Most will never know. But you do.

I apologise for using the hackneyed "Anonymous" to disguise myself. It seems so unoriginal, but it is necessary. If my identity was known, I would have little to look forward to but my sudden, unexplainable disappearance.

That's what happens to those who defy the masters, you know. Either that, or a job hosting infomercials. And you know as well as I do that there's not much difference.


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