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BY THE CITY OF ADELAIDE
JANUARY 7, 2005
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I have had Paul Sutton living in me for some months
now, and for this reason I feel qualified to respond to his offensive,
unpleasant and above all, untrue statements about me, made on July
27, 2004 at this website.
Mr Sutton makes continual references to myself as a
"one horse town", part of his attempt to paint me as "boring",
and my citizens as "hicks", or "white trash",
as he puts it.
The truth could not be further from this blatant falsehood.
Adelaide (if you'll permit my referring to myself in the third person)
is in fact a city. I may be referred to as a small city -- I am home
to just over 1 million residents -- but I defy Mr Sutton to argue
against my "Big City" facilities and style.
From organ recitals to TISM concerts to the Adelaide
International Horse Trials -- featuring more than "one horse",
I assure readers -- I have cultural and recreational events comparable
to any other major city in Australia, and I am certainly not subordinate
to or derivative of Melbourne. Mr Sutton might consider visiting www.spinach.org.au
if he wishes to learn more about what I have to offer in the way of
a "fresh vibe" and about interesting youth-targeted events
taking place in me.
To address some of his more specific comments: the Clipsal
500 is no less than the biggest and best touring car event in
the world, and the Adelaide Fringe is Australia's biggest arts festival,
and the world's second biggest Fringe event (second only to Edinburgh),
Mr Sutton's mockery notwithstanding.
Since Mr Sutton was quite happy to unfairly and "humorously"
compare me to an unrelated city in another state, I wonder how he
would appreciate my unfairly and humorously comparing him to an unrelated
person in another state. For example, his onetime "neighbour",
Daniel MacPherson starred in the TV program "Neighbours"
for four years, from 1998 - 2002, as Joel Samuels. Paul Sutton did
not. Paul Sutton, in fact, has never been a featured cast member of
any television drama serial! Isn't that funny?
Daniel MacPherson was a contestant in Cleo Bachelor
of the Year in 2000, and shirtless photos I have located on the Internet
indicate that he is a very handsome young man indeed. Paul Sutton
has never been a contestant in Cleo Bachelor of the Year, and having
seen completely nude photos of Paul taken shortly before his arrival
in me, I feel I may say that Paul, physically, is no Daniel MacPherson.
Don't we find that humorous?
Daniel MacPherson has gone on to appear in the UK touring
production of the hit musical "Godspell", and, following
this, got the role of PC Cameron Tait in long-running British TV program
"The Bill". Paul Sutton, in comparison, has gotten extremely
drunk and set fire to a number of things. Are we laughing yet?
Mr Sutton, I appeal to you directly: you and I, it seems,
will be forced to live together for some time to come. Let us not
spend this time flinging hateful mud at each other. Let us instead
embrace each other. I will provide you a beautiful, interesting home
if you will explore my possibilities fully. Who knows: perhaps one
day you will be moved to call Adelaide your true home.
But in case my pleas fall on deaf ears, let me inform
you that I have notified my police department of your location and
tendencies, and they will be particularly alert to any disturbances
caused henceforth by yourself or any of your visiting Melbourne cronies.
With sincerest regards,
The City of Adelaide