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BY ADAM WAJNBERG
MAY 16, 2005
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This nifty keen science fiction picture, from maverick
director George Lucas (The Last Picture Show) sure is getting a lot
of press. The rumour mill is that hundreds of thousands of dollars
have been spent in creating monsters and armies on the screen... that
don't actually exist!
It's just a little hard to write a review for Star Wars
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. I mean, it's already here. We already
live with it. You've already forked over your $44 dollars for tickets
and a pack of Starburst, you've already forced yourself to be excited
when the big yellow letters come down -- hell, you've already read
this review. So let's get this over with.
Wait, wait -- I have to say, this really sucks. Not
the movie, I'll get to that -- but the fact I have to write a negative
review. I chafe in the presence of motion pictures that are so convinced
of their own importance, as if a movie has ever, EVER been important
at all. But I also chafe at the idea that I'm going to be joining
the legions -- LEGIONS, I tells ya -- of critics who pan this mess.
So I went in, determined to put cynicism aside and just enjoy Star
Wars III -- Revenge Of The Sith. (No, I'm not going to abbreviate
that. Shut up).
BUT DAMMIT! Almost from the first frame I wanted to
leave the theatre. I mean, I can handle the odd line of bad dialogue,
the odd scene of ham fisted exposition, I can even handle the horrifying,
HORRIFYING cutesy-poo noises of smart alecky robots cracking wise
amongst each other. But fuck me, I just can't handle 140 minutes of
it. Especially not in a film where I know what's going to happen,
what the twists will be, and where I am told before hand that "THIS
IS AN IMPORTANT PIECE OF FILM HISTORY".
Also, I am so sick of everyone in these films talking
about how good a certain Jedi is with a light saber -- and then when
they fight, his skills are no better or worse than his opponents,
and besides the occasional 10 foot leap into the air, looks like pretty
sub-standard swordplay anyway. GYAHH!
I went in with low expectations, and that has almost
always meant that I enjoy the film. But even I could not anticipate
how old and stale this franchise has gotten. Star Wars III- Revenge
of The Sith is no worse than the last two Star Wars flicks, and in
the occasional spot it raises just above those other two abominations
(Ewan McGregor's Obi Wan becomes like a sort of galactic Johnny Knoxville
-- utterly fearless and kinda charming), but that seems beside the
point. After the first two flicks were panned by critics and audiences
alike (but which made their money because it was a foregone conclusion),
Lucas learnt nothing -- NOTHING -- from his mistakes, and has applied
the same formula to Star Wars III: Revenge of The Sith.
Words tumble like granite turds from Hayden Christensen's
lips. There's far too many characters, the only humour is stale (alright,
so Yoda's a badass -- please, someone cut a fart before I pelt the
screen with $18 maltesers). Natalie Portman has nothing to do besides
look pretty (and believe it or not, that gets old after a while).
And God help me, I have had enough of CGI. It's time to move back
to flesh and blood. If I wanted to watch a video game, I'd have gone
to the arcade and watched the kids with their disco dancing. Even
the twin babies born at the end (what? You didn't know? That's Luke
and Leia! From the old films!) are done in CGI. The fuck?!?!?!? Can
filmmakers no longer afford cheap baby?
So look, I'm going to try to say something positive
here. Star Wars III: Revenge of The Sith is a bad film. But McGregor
doesn't suck. Ian McDiarmid (The Emperor) has his moments, and then
other moments when he says "fukkit, I'm going for broke".
Samuel L Jackson sucks only a little. And after this, it'll all be
over. For a while. And if you find this review harsh, and it lowers
your expectations enough that you enjoy the film on any level, than
I really envy you. I tried, Oh Lord I did try
Star Wars III - Revenge of The Sith: 3/10
Helmets made of Pith: 8/10
Kevin Smith: Fat
STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH is directed
by George Lucas, as if you didn't know. It stars Hayden Christensen,
Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman. It runs 140 goddamn minutes.