Patrick McGinlay's Internet Tendency

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JULY 8, 2005

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Coming out of one of these films, you (or those around you) tend to ask certain questions, like- "How close was this movie to its source material?" or "How well did Julian McMahon portray Dr. Doom?" Certainly, there were other questions in my life that were unanswered, and for which I had a stronger compulsion to answer. Questions like "How much water can I hold in my cheeks?" and "If I fart while jerking off, will I be able to aim my issue with more precision?"

I've never read Fantastic Four. It belonged to that group of comics, like The Mighty Thor and The Avengers that seemed far too corny and hardcore-geek for me to enjoy. But I know enough about it to know that this film will piss off big-time fans because it deviates too much from the comic, and will bore a lot of lay-people because it doesn't deviate enough. In between are the people who will enjoy the special effects, the no-frills storyline and Jessica Alba's magnificent tits, which I imagine are soft and supple and yielding, and fit perfectly into the palms of my hands.

Here's the breakdown- Science man Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) needs money because he's bright, just not good with the green. He and his gruff pal, Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) go to get some from their old mate, DOCTOR VIKTOR VON DOOM (Julian McMahon). VON DOOM is schtupping Reed's old flame, Jessica Alba (Jessica Alba). Or is he? What? Skittles.

Jessica Alba's brother (Chris Spüf) is a Pepsi-max spokesperson who I don't like. They all go up in space and get zapped by magic rays. They have powers! But wait! So does….VON DOOM?

Ben Grimm becomes Rocky, and against all odds he defeats Apollo Creed for the Heavyweight Title. Not bad for a mook from the Philadelphia streets of Philadelphia [MAN. ED. NOTE: Ben Grimm is in fact from Near The Yancy Streets Of Philadelphia, or Near Teh Yancy Streets Of Philadelphia if you prefer. Rocky is from Hollywood]. Reed Richards becomes Stretch Armstrong and wins the Tour De France, despite the fact that he has cancer in all his legs. Jessica Alba gives birth to my first son, who becomes the Human Torch!, who can turn regular chicken into crispy chicken with a single word. That word is baldness. The cure? Propecia.

But what of… VON DOOM?

Anyway… this movie isn't nearly as bad as it should've been, and only twice as bad as it will not have was. Jake and I slapped each other during the more cringe-worthy lines (and nodded sagely when Stan Lee appeared as the Baxter Building mail-person), but we remained as quiet as church mice during the better bits. It deserves your patronage, because knowing you, you would just spend the $12 on dough-nuts or marihuana.

Fantastic Four: okay, fine
Connect Four: fun for the whole family
Chicks With Dicks: spooky, arousing



Comic book movies are pretty hit and miss. Batman Begins was great, Fantastic Four not so much. I think they become like this because movie studios are looking for quick cash rather than good stories. Now admittedly, Fantastic Four was not the huge success for Marvel X-Men is but it still had an interesting enough premise and characters that when I heard the movie was being done I prayed and hoped that it would not be bad like Punisher was.

I feel that the producers were going for quick cash from the teenage market as opposed to a longer franchise type system like X-Men. This can only explain why 24 year old Jessica Alba, who is a fine actor, is playing Sue Storm. I imagine in the room where the producers are brainstorming the casting it goes something like:

Producer 1: We're making a film for teenage boys, we need something that'll bring'em in.
Producer 2: Titties?
Producer 1: Yeah, Sue needs to be hot and have titties.
Producer 3: And young!!
Producer 1: Yeah young titties, who can we get?

And that's how Jessica Alba got cast. In reality someone like Maria Bello could have played Sue Storm while still meeting the titties requirement. She also matched the age of what Sue Storm should be. I don't know about you but I just can't believe a 24 year old as the top geneticists scientist in the world, a 34 year old maybe. It's this thinking that makes Fantastic Four a not so great movie.

For mindless fun on a Tuesday, go and watch. There are bits that suck and bits you can enjoy. Thing says once "It's clobbering time" and Human Torch also says once "Flame on" but personally you can miss this and spend your money on a better film like Sin City. You can also get your fix of Jessica Alba from it too and in this film she's wearing a bikini and chaps, what more does a guy want?



Sin City is four pieces of good movie put together to make one good anthology-type movie. All the pieces have cool, interestingly photographed violence and casually growled narration and laugh lines around which I could see the word balloons (and "thought rectangles").

Not having read any of the comics on which this movie is based, I can only imagine they are very good, probably better than the movie itself, although from the sound of it (I saw this with a lot of people who have read the comics), this adaptation of The Hard Goodbye, The Big Fat Kill and That Yellow Bastard wouldn't disappoint fans.

This is hyper-stylised stuff (looks just like the comics, reportedly), but I got used to it super fast. Also, the nutty look sold the more groany jokes and over-the-top acting -- I can imagine Fantastic Four being just as groany but without any saving graces.

Quentin Tarantino directed one particular scene in this movie (involving a car, a driver and a corpse), and I can't say I picked it as being "his" bit, so you can imagine what you're in for here.

Two-fisted noir with freaks and sexy and gushing fucking blood. Marvelous.


FANTASTIC FOUR stars Jessica Alba.

SIN CITY stars Jessica Alba.


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