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BY ADAM WAJNBERG,
& DAVID BLUMENSTEIN
JULY 8, 2005
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Coming out of one of these films, you (or those around
you) tend to ask certain questions, like- "How close was this
movie to its source material?" or "How well did Julian McMahon
portray Dr. Doom?" Certainly, there were other questions in my
life that were unanswered, and for which I had a stronger compulsion
to answer. Questions like "How much water can I hold in my cheeks?"
and "If I fart while jerking off, will I be able to aim my issue
with more precision?"
I've never read Fantastic Four. It belonged to that
group of comics, like The Mighty Thor and The Avengers that seemed
far too corny and hardcore-geek for me to enjoy. But I know enough
about it to know that this film will piss off big-time fans because
it deviates too much from the comic, and will bore a lot of lay-people
because it doesn't deviate enough. In between are the people who will
enjoy the special effects, the no-frills storyline and Jessica Alba's
magnificent tits, which I imagine are soft and supple and yielding,
and fit perfectly into the palms of my hands.
Here's the breakdown- Science man Reed Richards (Ioan
Gruffudd) needs money because he's bright, just not good with the
green. He and his gruff pal, Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) go to get
some from their old mate, DOCTOR VIKTOR VON DOOM (Julian McMahon).
VON DOOM is schtupping Reed's old flame, Jessica Alba (Jessica Alba).
Or is he? What? Skittles.
Jessica Alba's brother (Chris Spüf) is a Pepsi-max
spokesperson who I don't like. They all go up in space and get zapped
by magic rays. They have powers! But wait! So does
Ben Grimm becomes Rocky, and against all odds he defeats
Apollo Creed for the Heavyweight Title. Not bad for a mook from the
Philadelphia streets of Philadelphia [MAN. ED. NOTE: Ben Grimm is
in fact from Near The Yancy Streets Of Philadelphia, or Near Teh Yancy
Streets Of Philadelphia if you prefer. Rocky is from Hollywood]. Reed
Richards becomes Stretch Armstrong and wins the Tour De France, despite
the fact that he has cancer in all his legs. Jessica Alba gives birth
to my first son, who becomes the Human Torch!, who can turn regular
chicken into crispy chicken with a single word. That word is baldness.
The cure? Propecia.
But what of
this movie isn't nearly as bad as it should've
been, and only twice as bad as it will not have was. Jake and I slapped
each other during the more cringe-worthy lines (and nodded sagely
when Stan Lee appeared as the Baxter Building mail-person), but we
remained as quiet as church mice during the better bits. It deserves
your patronage, because knowing you, you would just spend the $12
on dough-nuts or marihuana.
Fantastic Four: okay, fine
Connect Four: fun for the whole family
Chicks With Dicks: spooky, arousing
Comic book movies are pretty hit and miss. Batman Begins
was great, Fantastic Four not so much. I think they become like this
because movie studios are looking for quick cash rather than good
stories. Now admittedly, Fantastic Four was not the huge success for
Marvel X-Men is but it still had an interesting enough premise and
characters that when I heard the movie was being done I prayed and
hoped that it would not be bad like Punisher was.
I feel that the producers were going for quick cash
from the teenage market as opposed to a longer franchise type system
like X-Men. This can only explain why 24 year old Jessica Alba, who
is a fine actor, is playing Sue Storm. I imagine in the room where
the producers are brainstorming the casting it goes something like:
Producer 1: We're making a film for teenage boys, we
need something that'll bring'em in.
Producer 2: Titties?
Producer 1: Yeah, Sue needs to be hot and have titties.
Producer 3: And young!!
Producer 1: Yeah young titties, who can we get?
And that's how Jessica Alba got cast. In reality someone
like Maria Bello could have played Sue Storm while still meeting the
titties requirement. She also matched the age of what Sue Storm should
be. I don't know about you but I just can't believe a 24 year old
as the top geneticists scientist in the world, a 34 year old maybe.
It's this thinking that makes Fantastic Four a not so great movie.
For mindless fun on a Tuesday, go and watch. There are
bits that suck and bits you can enjoy. Thing says once "It's
clobbering time" and Human Torch also says once "Flame on"
but personally you can miss this and spend your money on a better
film like Sin City. You can also get your fix of Jessica Alba from
it too and in this film she's wearing a bikini and chaps, what more
does a guy want?
Sin City is four pieces of good movie put together to
make one good anthology-type movie. All the pieces have cool, interestingly
photographed violence and casually growled narration and laugh lines
around which I could see the word balloons (and "thought rectangles").
Not having read any of the comics on which this movie
is based, I can only imagine they are very good, probably better than
the movie itself, although from the sound of it (I saw this with a
lot of people who have read the comics), this adaptation of The Hard
Goodbye, The Big Fat Kill and That Yellow Bastard wouldn't disappoint
This is hyper-stylised stuff (looks just like the comics,
reportedly), but I got used to it super fast. Also, the nutty look
sold the more groany jokes and over-the-top acting -- I can imagine
Fantastic Four being just as groany but without any saving graces.
Quentin Tarantino directed one particular scene in this
movie (involving a car, a driver and a corpse), and I can't say I
picked it as being "his" bit, so you can imagine what you're
in for here.
Two-fisted noir with freaks and sexy and gushing fucking
FANTASTIC FOUR stars Jessica Alba.
SIN CITY stars Jessica Alba.