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BY EVIL NAKEDFELLA
& JACOB ZHIVOV
DECEMBER 19, 2005
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Wherein two of our favourite writers talk about films
they've seen in the last few months.
Trentino (Mark Wahlberg) is a disgruntled, dog-faced
man working in the bakery. Kevin Spacey (Chucky P) is an arrogant
actor appearing as a villain in this film for big money. Chucky P
convinces Trentino to rob the bakery on Christmas Eve, but Trentino
refuses -- unless he can use his ten black African-American friends
Laughs occur when Trentino and his friends, all of whom
are played by rappers with "cube" in their names, must pretend
they are Santa and his elves in order to avoid arrest. Some tepid
comedy and a badly-staged action scene later, the boys are all vacationing
with their loot in the Caribbean, while Kevin Spacey is locked up
in prison for attempting to have sex with the film's cache of adorable
moppets. Spacey's character, Chucky P, appears on Entertainment Tonight
and becomes highly successful as Spacey's non-pedophilic acting replacement.
Then I eat a large, tasty burrito. A happy ending for all! **** --EN
I love mindless action flicks because quite frankly
all I have to do is watch people's arses get kicked and things blow
up. Transporter 2 delivers this quite nicely.
In this sequel to the 2002 film The Transporter, professional
driver Frank Martin (Jason Statham) is living in Miami, where he is
temporarily filling in for a friend as the chauffeur for a government
narcotics control policymaker and his family. But when the son of
this family is targeted for kidnapping, Frank immediately becomes
involved in protecting the child and exposing the kidnappers.
The plot isn't genius but do you really want a complicated
plot in a film like this? Ofcourse you don't, that's why you're watching
a film like this.
Much like the original film a lot of the action comes
from some pretty cool car chases and stunt driving but this time I
was more impressed by the arse kicking Jason Statham was handing out
to people more than anything else. You also get some fun comic relief
from François Berléand who reprises his role from the
first movie as Inspector Tarconi, who's just happens to be on holiday
and visiting Frank when all this goes down.
This film isn't going to be Shakespeare but you knew
that already, plus if you wanted to see a film that was, you probably
don't like films like the Transporter anyways. So if you're after
some mindless action that won't require you to dissect the film afterwards
go, sit and enjoy Transporter 2.
MINCE: OF A NEW GENERATION
Often it is that experimental films do not meet the
level of quality set by their imaginative titles. In Mince: Of
A New Generation we see this statement confirmed. Or is it?
For Mince is, in fact, an experimental film about
how experimental films often do not meet the level of quality set
by their titles. Directed by Hollywood's favourite eccentric, Crispin
Glover, Mince spends much of its 212 minute running time grappling
with the experimental film ethos, and the mindset behind it. The inner
battle of an experimental film director is represented by a 17 minute
locked-off camera shot of a man peeling a potato -- in reverse. What
is the truth of this scene? Are we to understand that the artistic
process is all about making something (in this case a potato) out
of nothing (in this case a potato without its skin)? Or am I reading
far too much into the unrefined brain-spew of a self-indulgent actor/director
with far too much time on his hands? A fair question. And the answer?
For me, the real message of this artistic Pyrrhus is
in a later vignette starring old vaudeville comedian "Rusty"
Beltz and the dead Marlon Brando. Brando asks Beltz, "Didn't
you ever want to slap a man silly for his truculence?" Beltz
replies, "Sure I did, but why slap a man with all five of your
fingers when your single cock is more than enough?" Now that,
at least, is quality. **1/2 --EN
A mockumentary is hard thing to do because unlike a
documentary you need to write a story that keeps your audience interested
in what you are showing them. Opposed to a documentary where often
your story will appear before you as you capture it.
The Magician is a mockumentary by first time writer/director
Scott Ryan. It tells the story of Melbourne hit-man Ray Shoesmith
(Scott Ryan) who goes about his daily business while being trailed
by Italian-accented doco filmmaker Max (Massimiliano Andrighetto),
who is making a fly on the wall doco to be released in the event of
Ray's early death.
For a budget of only $3000 this film does a pretty good
job, it funny in parts and you get to see a very Australian look at
crime. The mostly amateur acting cast get their performances in but
I presume if Ryan had a more professional crop to choose from some
of the scenes would have been better. It feels more like a glorified
student film than an indie production but the use of the mockumentary
style does help hide a lot of these problems.
This does have some funny moments but they do seem to
be very localised to the Australian "yobbo" culture and
therefore many of the jokes are hit and miss. The Magician may find
its audience on the film festival circuit and in cult screenings but
may not find itself appealing to those of the mainstream.
As I was stabbing an Australian Idol hopeful
the other day, her final, blood-sodden words issued forth: "What
was your favourite Australian film of 2005?" Naturally, I could
whisper nought to her degraded corpse but, "Bosomy Fare".
Lenny (Paul Sutton) is an itinerant student with a fierce
souvlaki habit. He spends his nights driving around Melbourne in his
battered yellow Ford, fruitlessly looking for bottle shops and souvlaki
joints which are still open at 1:30am.
One night, Lenny is stopped at a traffic light when
an attractive blonde woman (Kimberly Davies) jumps into the back of
his car and demands he drive her to Keysborough. Lenny tries to explain
that he is not driving a taxicab, only a yellow sedan, but when the
black-garbed temptress slips a 250 dollar bill into his shirt collar,
he realises he has hit upon an ill-advised new career: driving mysterious
strangers around and getting involved in their crazy, sexy adventures.
Sadly for Lenny, most of his bosomy fares turn out to
be bosomy but boring, despite their being in possession of 250 dollar
bills which may or may not be true legal tender. Thankfully, one day
Lenny picks up a new fare on the mean streets of Caulfield South:
the Glendinning brothers. Twin senior citizens with matching beanies
and a taste for blood, they force Lenny into a disturbing new world
of gang warfare, neo-Nazi rallies and plaid jumpers. Can Lenny stop
their dangerous boss, Mr Camberwell (Mick Molloy)? And with the Bosomy
Fares around, does he have the time?
I generally don't have any interest in recommending
local productions to others, as they are often pointless vanity exercises
by well-connected but talentless "Aussie auteurs", or badly
written comedies by idiots who got the job by virtue of their hanging
around the fringes of our so-called film industry for the required
amount of time, bitching about funding decisions and nodding and laughing
a lot when they talk to Steve Vizard. However, Bosomy Fare
is truly a triumph for Australian film on a scale not seen since the
Stan Longinides vehicle Trojan Warrior graced our theatre(/s?).
Jacob Zhivov's and Evil Nakedfella's film reviews are
available for syndication on YOUR soulless, corporate "entertainment
portal" website! Contact McGinlay's for pricing.