Patrick McGinlay's Internet Tendency

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REVIEWHAUS:
FILM: HIDE
AND SEEK,
DVD: BLOOD
HANDS, FOOD:
KFC WICKED
WINGS, VHS:
NO HOLDS
BARRED, BOOK:
HOLLYWOOD
HULK HOGAN

BY JACOB ZHIVOV,
ADAM WAJNBERG &
DAVID BLUMENSTEIN
FEBRUARY 18, 2005

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FILM: HIDE AND SEEK
by Jacob Zhivov

I like thrillers, I really do, the only problem I find is that I usually can pick the twist or who the killer is. In Hide and Seek I'll admit I really didn't see the twist coming.

After the suicide of his wife David Callaway (Robert De Niro) moves himself and his daughter Emily (Dakota Fanning) to the woods of upstate New York. Soon after the move Emily reveals that she has a new imaginary friend -- Charlie. This act takes an unexpected and terrifying turn, where her father and doctor (Famke Janssen) start to worry about Emily's gruesome behaviour.

Hide and Seek is a pretty good thriller, the only criticism I have for it is that after the twist is revealed the film continues for another 15 minutes or so. In most other thrillers the twist should be where the film ends making it a great place for you to go "wow didn't see that coming." In this film there they continue on which does annoy me and might annoy you as well. The other thing that creeps me out in this film is Dakota Fanning. With her hair dyed brown to match De Niro and the makeup giving her baggy eyes and white skin for almost the entirety of the film she looks like a drug addict, it's a little creepy.

Hide and Seek is a good film, it would have been great if ended 15 minutes earlier.

 

DVD: BLOOD HANDS (1990)
by Jacob Zhivov

Once again my love for bad films has led me to Blood Hands. For Christmas I was given Blood Hands by our friends Emily and Nadia, they gave it to me based on a joke myself, Dave and Adam do called "Blood High." This joke came out from watching Buffy where the school in Buffy might as well be called Blood High because so many people die there each week.

Unfortunately this movie has nothing to do with high schoolers being killed at school. Instead it's about revenge and kickboxing. The plot is awful, this is what is written on the back of the DVD word for word.

Four wildly drunk men, all successful kickboxing experts physically harmed and kill Steve Callahan's (Sean Donahue) parents. The only clue to their identities is a kickboxing championship medal which dropped to the floor unnoticed during the struggle. Steve refused to turn over the medallion to the police. Through the medallion Steve was able to trace the four killers. One by one he hunted them, until one remained, James Clavel. A bloody confrontation between the two explodes, with only one winner emerging.

This film by every standard is awful, the acting is shittier than shit and the stunt dying is funny as hell. The one thing you are assured of in this film is that there is a fight scene almost every 5 minutes, which means less time for the bad acting.

I doubt you will find this film in any video store but you may want to watch it instead of punching yourself in the balls as it is probably more painful.

 

FOOD: KFC WICKED WINGS
by Jacob Zhivov

So I was in KFC this week and saw their latest promotion the new "wicked wings" naturally I was intrigued so I bought me some. What I received was by far of the shittiest pieces of food I have bought from a fast food establishment.

The "wicked wings" aren't really wings, they are in fact drumsticks. Also they aren't big drumsticks they are actually mini drumsticks wrapped in the zinger coating making them quite hard to eat. They had hardly any meat on them.

My friends, take this as a warning: don't buy this crappy promotion and stick with what you know at your local KFC store.

 

VHS: NO HOLDS BARRED (1989)
by Adam Wajnberg

Dave and I have watched shitty films before. Hell, we've even made shitty films (see our seminal work, "Badlands" and the upcoming "Zucchini" this fall). But rarely have we sat down and watched a shitty film with such glee. Even "Crime Busters", a barely cogent action film starring 80's superstars Terence Hill and Bud Spencer, failed to get us as pumped as we got watching this horrible garbage.

For those unfamiliar with the phenomenon, "No Holds Barred" was an early foray into films for WWF Evil Overlord Vince McMahon. IMDB assures me that the shooting script was penned by none other than Vince and Hulk Hogan themselves, when they were unsatisfied with the original. This prompts all sorts of questions, like "Just how bad was the original draft?" and "Did Joan Severance sleep with the Hulkster in the original?"

So Hulk plays Rip, the WWF champion whose "word is his bond". We spent the next 30 minutes repeating, in Hulky voices, "My word is my bond" and "I am told my word is my bond". Fun. Then, "Tiny" Lister appears as massive black wrestler Clubber "Zeus" Lang, a human wrecking machine backed by evil TV executive Kurt Fuller and his sidekicks, one of whom is go-to-schmuck, David Paymer.

I won't bore you with the rest of the details. Here's our favorite bits:

Joan Severance and Rip are forced to share a hotel room. Rip is a gentleman, so he organizes a flimsy barrier to protect woman's nakedness. Rip tries to make light of situation, but girl frigid. Rip tear down barrier saying "You obviously don't need this -- you build up bigger walls than I ever could!"

Randy, Rip's brother, gets his ass handed to him by Zeus, and then Rip has to rehabilitate him. At this point, Dave estimated that Randy (Randy?) would get out of his wheelchair when Rip was at his lowest against Zeus, giving Rip the will to fight. I had estimated that Rip's trainer, Black Burgess Meredith, would get somehow pummeled, giving Rip the will to fight. Both of these things kinda happened, at the same time, towards the end of the film. Awesome. Dave and I haven't bonded like that since the time we both baked our balls into a cake in an effort to shock Jake. Good times.

One of the evil henchmen shits his pants.

So if you're looking for a good male bonding film, complete with hot chicks (chick) and big fat bastards slapping the piss outta each other, look no further. I guarantee you'll be quoting it for the rest of the day. And then never again.

 

BOOK: HOLLYWOOD™ HULK™ HOGAN™
by David Blumenstein

"You think you know Hollywood Hulk Hogan™? Brother, you don't know squat about me."

That's the book's opening line. Scott Pollard lent it to me after I got "No Holds Barred" for free at the Video Ezy in North Fitzroy. It tells you many things about "the Babe Ruth of wrestling". Here are the most important things you will learn from it:

Hulk used to be a little fat kid.

Hulk is not Irish. His real name is Terry Bollea.

Hulk had an older brother who got into a lot of fights and died early, perhaps the reason Hulk's character in "No Holds Barred" has a younger brother who tries to kick Kurt Fuller's ass on behalf of Hulk and ends up in a wheelchair. Perhaps not.

Hulk took steroids to get big. He may have stopped now.

Andre the Giant was a nice French man who drank a lot of alcohol because his extremely large body hurt a lot.

Hulk believes he had a shot at becoming President of the United States (polls said so), but decided against trying because it would have been a lot of work.

Hulk is a born-again Christian who goes to visit dying kids and suggests they believe in Jesus because then they'll get to hang out with him in heaven.

Hulk loves writing and playing music!

Hulk and his ghost writer could probably have written an interesting book for adults (the Hulkster, after all, is not a complete dullard, and was at one time one of the most recognisable people in the world) but instead chose to write one using small words, uncomplicated sentences and amusing exaggerations so young children (the little Hulkamaniacs) could enjoy it just as much as big, fat, stupid morons. Huzzah for Hulk Hogan and his 24 inch pythons!

 

HIDE AND SEEK stars Robert De Niro, Dakota Fanning, Famke Janssen, Elisabeth Shue, Amy Irving and Dylan Baker. It's rated M and is 101 minutes long.

BLOOD HANDS stars Sean Donahue, Nead Hourani, Kristen Landson, James Grines, Jerry Beyer and Jim Moss. It's rated MA and runs 90 minutes of your life you will never get back.

KFC WICKED WINGS are little chicken drumsticks. Jake suggests not buying them from KFC.

NO HOLDS BARRED stars Hulk Hogan, "Tiny" Lister, Kurt Fuller and Joan Severance. It runs 93 minutes. Jake ate the cake.

HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN was written by Michael Jan Friedman and, perhaps nominally, Hulk Hogan. David has come away from it with disturbingly split feelings about his favourite pro wrestling "face".

 

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