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REVIEWHAUS:
FILM: HIDE
AND SEEK,
DVD: BLOOD
HANDS, FOOD:
KFC WICKED
WINGS, VHS:
NO HOLDS
BARRED, BOOK:
HOLLYWOOD
HULK HOGAN
BY JACOB ZHIVOV,
ADAM WAJNBERG &
DAVID BLUMENSTEIN
FEBRUARY 18, 2005
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FILM: HIDE AND SEEK
by Jacob Zhivov
I like thrillers, I really do, the only problem I find
is that I usually can pick the twist or who the killer is. In Hide
and Seek I'll admit I really didn't see the twist coming.
After the suicide of his wife David Callaway (Robert
De Niro) moves himself and his daughter Emily (Dakota Fanning) to
the woods of upstate New York. Soon after the move Emily reveals that
she has a new imaginary friend -- Charlie. This act takes an unexpected
and terrifying turn, where her father and doctor (Famke Janssen) start
to worry about Emily's gruesome behaviour.
Hide and Seek is a pretty good thriller, the only criticism
I have for it is that after the twist is revealed the film continues
for another 15 minutes or so. In most other thrillers the twist should
be where the film ends making it a great place for you to go "wow
didn't see that coming." In this film there they continue on
which does annoy me and might annoy you as well. The other thing that
creeps me out in this film is Dakota Fanning. With her hair dyed brown
to match De Niro and the makeup giving her baggy eyes and white skin
for almost the entirety of the film she looks like a drug addict,
it's a little creepy.
Hide and Seek is a good film, it would have been great
if ended 15 minutes earlier.
DVD: BLOOD HANDS (1990)
by Jacob Zhivov
Once again my love for bad films has led me to Blood
Hands. For Christmas I was given Blood Hands by our friends Emily
and Nadia, they gave it to me based on a joke myself, Dave and Adam
do called "Blood High." This joke came out from watching
Buffy where the school in Buffy might as well be called Blood High
because so many people die there each week.
Unfortunately this movie has nothing to do with high
schoolers being killed at school. Instead it's about revenge and kickboxing.
The plot is awful, this is what is written on the back of the DVD
word for word.
Four wildly drunk men, all successful kickboxing experts
physically harmed and kill Steve Callahan's (Sean Donahue) parents.
The only clue to their identities is a kickboxing championship medal
which dropped to the floor unnoticed during the struggle. Steve refused
to turn over the medallion to the police. Through the medallion Steve
was able to trace the four killers. One by one he hunted them, until
one remained, James Clavel. A bloody confrontation between the two
explodes, with only one winner emerging.
This film by every standard is awful, the acting is
shittier than shit and the stunt dying is funny as hell. The one thing
you are assured of in this film is that there is a fight scene almost
every 5 minutes, which means less time for the bad acting.
I doubt you will find this film in any video store but
you may want to watch it instead of punching yourself in the balls
as it is probably more painful.
FOOD: KFC WICKED WINGS
by Jacob Zhivov
So I was in KFC this week and saw their latest promotion
the new "wicked wings" naturally I was intrigued so I bought
me some. What I received was by far of the shittiest pieces of food
I have bought from a fast food establishment.
The "wicked wings" aren't really wings, they
are in fact drumsticks. Also they aren't big drumsticks they are actually
mini drumsticks wrapped in the zinger coating making them quite hard
to eat. They had hardly any meat on them.
My friends, take this as a warning: don't buy this crappy
promotion and stick with what you know at your local KFC store.
VHS: NO HOLDS BARRED (1989)
by Adam Wajnberg
Dave and I have watched shitty films before. Hell, we've
even made shitty films (see our seminal work, "Badlands"
and the upcoming "Zucchini" this fall). But rarely have
we sat down and watched a shitty film with such glee. Even "Crime
Busters", a barely cogent action film starring 80's superstars
Terence Hill and Bud Spencer, failed to get us as pumped as we got
watching this horrible garbage.
For those unfamiliar with the phenomenon, "No Holds
Barred" was an early foray into films for WWF Evil Overlord Vince
McMahon. IMDB assures me that the shooting script was penned by
none other than Vince and Hulk Hogan themselves, when they were unsatisfied
with the original. This prompts all sorts of questions, like "Just
how bad was the original draft?" and "Did Joan Severance
sleep with the Hulkster in the original?"
So Hulk plays Rip, the WWF champion whose "word
is his bond". We spent the next 30 minutes repeating, in Hulky
voices, "My word is my bond" and "I am told my word
is my bond". Fun. Then, "Tiny" Lister appears as massive
black wrestler Clubber "Zeus" Lang, a human wrecking machine
backed by evil TV executive Kurt Fuller and his sidekicks, one of
whom is go-to-schmuck, David Paymer.
I won't bore you with the rest of the details. Here's
our favorite bits:
Joan Severance and Rip are forced to share a hotel room.
Rip is a gentleman, so he organizes a flimsy barrier to protect woman's
nakedness. Rip tries to make light of situation, but girl frigid.
Rip tear down barrier saying "You obviously don't need this --
you build up bigger walls than I ever could!"
Randy, Rip's brother, gets his ass handed to him by
Zeus, and then Rip has to rehabilitate him. At this point, Dave estimated
that Randy (Randy?) would get out of his wheelchair when Rip was at
his lowest against Zeus, giving Rip the will to fight. I had estimated
that Rip's trainer, Black Burgess Meredith, would get somehow pummeled,
giving Rip the will to fight. Both of these things kinda happened,
at the same time, towards the end of the film. Awesome. Dave and I
haven't bonded like that since the time we both baked our balls into
a cake in an effort to shock Jake. Good times.
One of the evil henchmen shits his pants.
So if you're looking for a good male bonding film, complete
with hot chicks (chick) and big fat bastards slapping the piss outta
each other, look no further. I guarantee you'll be quoting it for
the rest of the day. And then never again.
BOOK: HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN
by David Blumenstein
"You think you know Hollywood Hulk Hogan?
Brother, you don't know squat about me."
That's the book's opening line. Scott Pollard lent it
to me after I got "No Holds Barred" for free at the Video
Ezy in North Fitzroy. It tells you many things about "the Babe
Ruth of wrestling". Here are the most important things you will
learn from it:
Hulk used to be a little fat kid.
Hulk is not Irish. His real name is Terry Bollea.
Hulk had an older brother who got into a lot of fights
and died early, perhaps the reason Hulk's character in "No Holds
Barred" has a younger brother who tries to kick Kurt Fuller's
ass on behalf of Hulk and ends up in a wheelchair. Perhaps not.
Hulk took steroids to get big. He may have stopped now.
Andre the Giant was a nice French man who drank a lot
of alcohol because his extremely large body hurt a lot.
Hulk believes he had a shot at becoming President of
the United States (polls said so), but decided against trying because
it would have been a lot of work.
Hulk is a born-again Christian who goes to visit dying
kids and suggests they believe in Jesus because then they'll get to
hang out with him in heaven.
Hulk loves writing and playing music!
Hulk and his ghost writer could probably have written
an interesting book for adults (the Hulkster, after all, is not a
complete dullard, and was at one time one of the most recognisable
people in the world) but instead chose to write one using small words,
uncomplicated sentences and amusing exaggerations so young children
(the little Hulkamaniacs) could enjoy it just as much as big, fat,
stupid morons. Huzzah for Hulk Hogan and his 24 inch pythons!
HIDE AND SEEK stars Robert De Niro, Dakota Fanning,
Famke Janssen, Elisabeth Shue, Amy Irving and Dylan Baker. It's rated
M and is 101 minutes long.
BLOOD HANDS stars Sean Donahue, Nead Hourani, Kristen
Landson, James Grines, Jerry Beyer and Jim Moss. It's rated MA and
runs 90 minutes of your life you will never get back.
KFC WICKED WINGS are little chicken drumsticks. Jake
suggests not buying them from KFC.
NO HOLDS BARRED stars Hulk Hogan, "Tiny"
Lister, Kurt Fuller and Joan Severance. It runs 93 minutes. Jake ate
the cake.
HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN was written by Michael Jan Friedman
and, perhaps nominally, Hulk Hogan. David has come away from it with
disturbingly split feelings about his favourite pro wrestling "face".