- - - -
PRETTY BOY
ACTORS OF
THE '80S,
AND THE
SONGS THEY'D
GET RAPED
TO IN
PRISON
BY ADAM WAJNBERG
June 16, 2003
- - - -
You know what I hate about movies today? If they're
not 3 hour "events" or prequels or sequels or trilogies,
then they're tepid romances or cookie cutter thrillers or high falootin'
"dramedies" (shoot the Madison Ave cocksucker who coined
that term). There are no more simple movies, where the exploitation
is right in your face and generally harmless. Exploitation in movies
these days is through product placement and fancy schmancy special
effects (I could cite anything by Jerry Bruckheimer here as an example,
but I'd rather avoid giving press to that hack) whereas the exploitation
of 80's movies comes from... well, look, the point is, the insidious
hand of marketing in modern movies has the character of a silent fart,
sneaky and malicious, whereas in 80's flicks it had the disposition
of an honest dog turd stuck to the bottom of a shoe. Mostly, it was
from the music.
It was this thinking that lead me on a subconscious
quest to find the defining 80's movie song, the most simplistic piece
of power pop used to rile the audience and make them wave tiny American
flags and buy merchandise. It took a lot of gentle persuasion to give
up my position from "Eye of The Tiger", but a wasted afternoon
at my parents' house (where they have cable) convinced me that the
honors must go to "You're The Best", from that much maligned
cinematic classic "The Karate Kid".
Written by Joe 'Bean' Esposito, this masterpiece embodies
all we've come to love of 80's film music: the lyrics are simplistic,
there's plenty of electronic synths involved and it's complete and
utter garbage. Problem was, I couldn't actually recall how it went:
I had a vague recollection that it went "You're the best/around/nothing's
gonna ever keep ya down" and that the refrain went "Fight
til you drop/you gotta fight/FIGHT!/fight/FIGHT!/fight/FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!"
but beyond that it was all a blur.
I tried a Google search, but no matter how many ways
I phrased the search query I could not get a full set of lyrics. So,
for the benefit of the Internet Community, I have posted them here,
having painstakingly transcribed them from an illegal MP3. It wasn't
easy, mainly due to the poor sound quality and the annoyingly thumping
synth screaming over the garbled lyrics, but rest assured, this is
pretty close. I was gonna substitute the more garbled passages with
satirical lines (I was gonna make "History repeats itself/try
and you'll succeed" rhyme with "Didn't we see this same
movie/only it was called Rocky") but I find the actual lyrics
are funnier, albeit for all the wrong reasons.
Try to be best
'Cause you're only a man
And a man's gotta learn to take it
Try to believe
Though the going gets rough
That you gotta hang tough to make it
History repeats itself
Try and you'll succeed
Never doubt that you're the one
And you can have your dreams!
You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own
Fight 'til the end
Cause your life will depend
On the strength that you have inside you
Ah you gotta be proud
Starin' out at the crowd
When the odds in the game defy you
Try your best to win them all
and one day time will tell
when you're the one that's standing there
you'll reach the final bell!
You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ho-how-ho-own
INSPIRING GUITAR SOLO
You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own
Fight 'til you drop
never stop
can't give up
Til you reach the top (FIGHT!)
you're the best in town (FIGHT!)
Listen to that sound
A little bit of all you got
Can never bring you down
You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
repeat to fade, occasional background shouts of "Oh
Ye-eah!"
[EDITOR'S NOTE, SEP 1 2003: Thanks to ATOMIC TIM
for his correction ("Starin' out at the crowd"), which
I believe makes our transcription of that song CORRECT -- another
FIRST for the World Wide Web! HUZZAH for Tim and HUZZAH for McGinlay's,
both devoted to journalistic accuracy and excellence]
The staff agreed with my assertion that this would be
the song that Ralph Macchio would get raped to, were he to find himself
in prison, and this lead us to formulate rape soundtracks appropriate
to other male stars of the 80's. The shortlist includes:
Ralph Macchio -- You're The Best (and you'd think after
all that body-toning martial arts training, he would be!)
Rob Lowe -- St. Elmo's Fire (I can see a new horizon-
and it involves graphic anal rape!)
Emilio Estevez -- Don't You Forget About Me (I don't
think he'd be able to! After all, he'd be getting raped! By another
man!)
Michael J. Fox -- Theme From "Family Ties"
(It was my assertion that "Power of Love" from Back to the
Future would be more appropriate, but Dave correctly pointed out that
this would be markedly more disturbing)
Lou Diamond Phillips -- La Bamba (or possibly "Blaze
of Glory" from Young Guns... not that La Bamba, which translates
as "The Lightning" wouldn't be appropriate: having another
man's penis forcibly shoved into your rectum would certainly be as
painful as a lightning strike! Yeeeeow!)
Corey Feldman -- Stand By Me (but not in the group showers!
Wouldn't want you to accidentally rap- whoops! Too late!)
Obviously there's a plethora of possibilities here,
limited only by our imaginations and by the amount of male stars from
the 80's who were gifted with a delicate enough bone structure to
warrant the line "Hey... you're pretty... like a woman".
The only reason Christian Slater isn't on the shortlist is because
there weren't any songs from his 80's movies that stuck in our imaginations,
though there were abundant references made to his 1987 film, "Pump
Up The Volume". We leave it with the reader to create their own
punchlines, because after all, sometimes the most constructive lessons
are the ones you teach yourself.
Sha la la la...
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