THE TOP TEN (NAME, NETWORK, POSITION
CHANGE FROM LAST YEAR):
10. GRETEL KILLEEN | 10
| HOLDING
There have been a lot of pretenders to
the reality TV throne lately, but Ten's money and promotional
tie-ins have ensured that Big Brother is the number
one TV venue for fame-hungry idiots to debase
themselves, and nobody's more debased than Gretel Killeen
(except maybe Rove McManus, who allowed the sludge to
spill out onto his program). How many more seasons can
it air? As long as people are paying to use the official
Big Brother ringtone on their phones, plenty.
09. ANTONIA KIDMAN | 10
| NEW
Antonia is my favourite new TV whore.
Nepotism is an excellent way to get yourself an entertainment
program (and then another one with a slightly different
name), but unless Antonia gets a contract with Nine
or starts wearing bikinis, Catriona-style, she'll be
off the list next year, probably replaced with Leah
McLeod.
08. ANGELA BISHOP | 10
| HOLDING
Last year's number 8, Angela Bishop hasn't
made a move. This is true also of the lady herself,
who hasn't used the last twelve months or so to grab
any new hosting jobs or make a serious move towards
being a super-whore. If she expects to remain on this
list next year, she's going to have to try much harder.
Having an unpleasant, irritating camera manner isn't
going to be enough for us in 2004, missy.
07. SOPHIE FAULKINER | 7
| NEW
Model, hostess, pitchwoman. Is there anything
Sophie can't do? Don't know, really. But there's surely
nothing she won't do to stay on the air. We understand
her wanting to get plenty of action in now, while the
age-defying face cream is still doing its thing. But
it can't last. Ask Adriana Xenides.
06. RAY MARTIN | 9 |
DOWN FROM 5
We told you he'd be back. This time last
year, Ray was flyfishing, or scouring pots or whatever
TV celebrities do when they're not dazzling us with
infotainment. Now he's returned as host of A Current
Affair, and he's ready to host YOUR special event, nationwide
poll or recreational program for the elderly. Sadly,
he's not ready to turn ACA into journalism. Even worse,
since he's been gone he's been overtaken by a bunch
of younger, cuter wannabe celebrities. So Ray drops
one rung.
05. "EFFIE" | 7
| NEW
At the end of last year's Whories list,
I expressed my disappointment that our Top Ten was filled
entirely with white Anglos, and demanded to see a "vacant,
talentless ethnic whore on Nine by 2004". I expected,
and am still expecting, the appearance of a hugely hyped
Mediterranean/Asian/Oceanian lifestyle host/hostess
any minute now. I'm talking about a new Catriona or
Jamie; equally ubiquitous, equally bland, just less
white.
In the meantime, there's been Effie.
Mary Coustas , who plays "Effie",
the popular Greek stereotype from '80s sitcom 'Acropolis
Now', is certainly not vacant or untalented. She did,
however, allow herself and her character to be wedged
into Channel Seven's latest train wreck of a British
TV rip-off, 'Greeks On The Roof', a show that was real
garbage. Like, worse than most Seven shows. Seriously.
Then she immediately celebrated her return to television
by signing up to do a lot of phone ads.
The Sydney Morning Herald has reported
that "Coustas and her character, Effie, are still
contracted to Seven in a deal unrelated to the lifespan
of 'Greeks'". Since the show's axed, Seven may
still benefit from having her around. Chances are she
won't.
