- - - -
EXCERPT
FROM A.
WAJNBERG
AND D.
BLUMENSTEIN'S
ICQ CONVER-
SATION
BY DAVID BLUMENSTEIN
& ADAM WAJNBERG
JUNE 22, 2004
- - - -
[23:08] David: luckily your cock length is the same
as my pin number
[23:09] Big Cat: luckily your pin length is the same
as my cock number
[23:09] David: what's funny is that you don't know if
that's an insult or not
[23:10] Big Cat: oh, it's not important. what is important
is that i have a beautiful, clean, pristine cock, worthy of hymns
and parades
[23:10] David: the bayeux tapestry is about my cock
[23:11] Big Cat: the rosetta stone tells an ancient
story about my beautiful cock
[23:12] David: many of the towers on the taj mahal resemble
my cock
[23:12] Big Cat: the sioux indians have over 400 words
for my cock
[23:12] David: the hanging gradens of babylon were once
known as "the hanging gardens of dave's humongous cock"
[23:13] David: parrots which only exist on the isle
of man are reputed to say "dave is very big when he's hard"
quite often to tourists
[23:14] Big Cat: the declaration of independence starts
with "we hold these truths to eb self evident: that all cocks
are to be judged by their relative proportions to Adam's magnificent
cock"
[23:14] David: the bed in the lincoln bedroom has "whooeee
dave has a lovely penis" scratched on the underboards
[23:15] Big Cat: my cock did most of the voices on seasons
4-9 of the simpsons
[23:16] David: my cock appears in the background of
the "fredo gets the kiss of death" scene in godfather II
[23:16] Big Cat: Idi Amin Dada's full title was "Lord
and Protector of Uganda, and lord of the fishes of the sea, the fowl
of the air, and the beasts of the land. But still subservient to Adam's
cock"
[23:17] David: the art department on 2001: a space odyssey
consulted my underpants before constrcuting their monolith
[23:18] Big Cat: George Washington, who could not tell
a lie, once said "Adam Wajnberg has the best cock:
[23:18] David: when my cock rises, beefeaters stationed
outside buckingham palace salute and change places
[23:19] Big Cat: My cock has an honorary doctorate from
harvard university in the field of being a truly wonderful cock
[23:19] David: when my cock falls, traders at the nysx
keep a reverent silence for five minutes
[23:20] Big Cat: Horses have to salute me
[23:20] Big Cat: when i cum, flags run at half mast
[23:21] Big Cat: two hijacked planes crashed into my
cock on Sept. 11, 2001
[23:21] David: my cock once received a letter of appreciation
from that blonde chick off "three's company"
[23:21] Big Cat: My cock was used to hit Mickey Mantles
"shot heard around the world" in 1954
[23:21] David: use of my cock is not permitted on international
flights during takeoff and landing
[23:22] Big Cat: My cum is used to wax ferraris
[23:23] Big Cat: One cannot operate my cock while under
the influence of alcohol or prescription drugs
[23:23] Big Cat: My cock is undefeated in 74 professional
fights
[23:23] David: my balls, used as beacons, would have
saved the crew and passengers of the titanic
[23:24] Big Cat: dammit, you pre-empted me..i was gonna
start on the balls
[23:24] David: my cock pushed ian thorpe into the water
at the 400m swimming trials
[23:24] David: and i was at home at the time
[23:25] Big Cat: ha
[23:25] Big Cat: my cock threatens to derail the Kerry
campaign
[23:26] David: small children have played with my balls
for years as part of "life be in it" days at primary schools
across the nation
[23:26] Big Cat: My cock uncovered Saddam's bunker
[23:27] David: my cock, disguised as michael josem,
won the monash caulfield student presidential election
[23:27] David: it didn't take much disguising
[23:27] Big Cat: My cock was known as a great humanitarian,
actor and writer before dying at age 82
[23:27] David: i was waiting for a ustinov joke
[23:28] Big Cat: i didn't even try for subtle
[23:28] David: my ballsack is stretched across the mcg
in event of rain at test cricket matches
[23:29] Big Cat: Construction on my cock for the 2004
games is currently stalled
[23:30] David: much to george w bush's concern, my cock
is the only weapon in the southern hemisphere which can fire heat-seeking
projectiles as far as north america
[23:31] Big Cat: jesus...i'm running out
[23:31] Big Cat: we should save this conversation though
[23:31] David: i'm sending it to jake when this is over
[23:32] Big Cat: it's gone for a solid 20 minutes
[23:32] Big Cat: your best was the beefeater one
[23:32] David: the scent of my genital region was captured,
resynthesized and sold to the public by calvin klein under the name
"obsession"
[23:33] Big Cat: meh. my ball sweat is used to cure
baldness
[23:34] David: the pope saw my cock and is believed
to have said, "it is as it was"
[23:35] Big Cat: I pose for Boeing
[23:36] David: my cock had an as-yet unpublicised role
in the watergate robbery
[23:36] Big Cat: my cock IS deep throat
[23:37] David: that makes no sense at all
[23:37] Big Cat: ...my cock is bigq
[23:37] Big Cat: without the q
[23:38] David: at his early screenings of the original
"star wars", george lucas augmented incomplete fx shots
with 16mm films of my cock
[23:38] Big Cat: my cock was the first european civilization
to trade with the japanese
[23:39] David: lucas acknowledged my cock's participation
as "first unit photography"
[23:40] Big Cat: my cock won an oscar for 'patton' in
1970, but refused to accept it. he was at home, watching sports on
tv
[23:40] Big Cat: my cock took france in 2 weeks
[23:41] David: my cock wrote martin luther king's "i
have a dream" speech
[23:41] Big Cat: my cock is earth's largest natural
satellite
[23:41] David: my cock crashed in new jersey, killing
america's love affair with the zeppelin
[23:41] Big Cat: ha ha
[23:42] Big Cat: my cock had the word "citroen"
emblazoned upon it until the late 1920's
[23:42] David: the japanese have approximately 30 gods
resembling my cock
[23:43] Big Cat: My cock owns the jerusalem post
[23:43] David: nice
[23:44] David: my cock is constantly being stopped on
the street by people believing it is carson from "queer eye for
the straight guy"
[23:44] Big Cat: my cock is filmed in front of a live
studio audience
[23:44] Big Cat: my cock is part of this complete breakfast
[23:45] David: my cock is only to be taken in consultation
with your physician
[23:47] Big Cat: my cock was expelled as a christian
order on Friday, February 13th in the year 1312. My cock later went
on to thrive in Scotland, and fought beside william wallace at bannockburn
[23:49] David: my cock is australia's best hope for
a third major political party
[23:49] David: my cock broke the world land speed record
when i saw phoebe cates' breasts in "fast times at ridgemont
high"
[23:50] Big Cat: My cock covers an area the size of
14 tennis courts and can crunch 50 trillion clicks a second
[23:50] David: it is illegal to export my cock to middle-eastern
countries
[23:51] David: my cock received an mbe award from the
queen in 1965 and smoked a joint in the palace bathroom before the
ceremony
[23:52] David: when johnny cash sings "i shot a
man in reno just to watch him die" he is singing from the perspective
of my cock, which is wanted in nevada and twelve other u.s. states
[23:52] Big Cat: "the ballad of jonathan henry"
tells the tale of a true american folk hero, my cock does as well
[23:53] Big Cat: that needed a full stop
[23:53] David: my cock's assassination of prince ferdinand
precipitated the great war
[23:53] Big Cat: the signing of my cock in 1216 gave
birth to english common law
[23:54] Big Cat: my cock was first used as a weapon
on the fields of hastings in 1066
[23:54] David: mama cass is known as having died choking
on a ham sandwich, however this is false
[23:54] David: little bit obtuse, that one
[23:55] Big Cat: no, i got it
[23:55] David: i knew you would
[23:55] Big Cat: my cock is used to fish footballs out
of sewers
[23:55] David: my cock may have killed kurt cobain
[23:56] Big Cat: my cock cannot be reproduced without
the express written consent of major league baseball
[23:56] Big Cat: my cock is 63 ax handles high
[23:57] David: my cock produced early demos by the sex
pistols, but favoured a sleeker sound than the band wanted
[23:57] Big Cat: my cock is so big, it takes 4 fat women
and a team of clydesdales to jerk me off (not mine, but so good i
had to put it in there)
[23:58] David: my perineum was last year declared a
national growth forest
[23:59] Big Cat: my cock is the fifth beatle
[23:59] Big Cat: can't believe i beat you to that one
[23:59] David: my cock is the sixth monkee
[23:59] David: i already made a beatle joke
[00:00] Big Cat: my cock provided the inspiration for
:close encouners of the third kind"
[00:01] David: when i lie on my back, mobile phone reception
is interrupted for a three km radius
[00:01] Big Cat: i direct air traffic
[00:02] David: my cock provided inspiration for "et"
[00:02] Big Cat: david blaine's next trick will be to
sit atop the tip of my cock for 40 days
[00:02] David: the next series of survivor is called
"survivor: dave's cock"
[00:02] Big Cat: my cock needs no introduction. ladies
and gentlemen: my cock
[00:02] Big Cat: ha
[00:02] David: my cock sentenced ned kelly to death
[00:03] Big Cat: and we're into hour 2
[00:03] David: my cock has a 34th floor observatory
and a gift shop
[00:03] David: this is why herman's never going to get
finished
[00:04] Big Cat: that, and the need to say "time
for my dick" ad nauseum in the recording booth
[00:04] Big Cat: sean connery respects my cock
[00:05] Big Cat: velociraptors orient themselves to
my cock
[00:05] Big Cat: my cock affects the weather
[00:06] David: when helen hunt appeared in scenes with
my cock in "as good as it gets", she had to stand on a box
[00:06] Big Cat: world time goes by ACMT: Adam's Cock
Mean Time
[00:06] David: when helen hunt appeared in scenes with
my cock in "what women want", my cock was what she wanted
[00:06] Big Cat: My cock debuted on 2000 screens
[00:07] David: when helen hunt appeared in scenes with
my cock in "mad about you", she kept accidentally calling
it "paul reiser" because of the uncanny resemblance
[00:07] Big Cat: "13 days" chronicles the
Adam's Cock Crisis, when Cuba threatened to release coviet my cock's
towards the US east coast
[00:08] Big Cat: soviet. ahem.
[00:09] David: in an upcoming episode of "gilmore
girls", both rory and lorelai fall in love with my cock and are
forced to reexamine their relationship
[00:09] Big Cat: Seinfeld was called 'the show about
nothing', though to many, it was 'the show about everything'. both
parties are wrong. it's 'the show about my cock'
[00:09] David: my cock was stunt double for craig t
nelson in "action jackson"
[00:10] David: my cock is world backgammon champion
[00:10] David: my cock was caesar's downfall
[00:10] Big Cat: in Rocky 4, Balboa must defeat my cock
after it killed apollo dreed
[00:10] Big Cat: creed. goddammit
[00:10] David: you weaken, young jedi
[00:11] Big Cat: you know those giant cakes people make
to get into the guinness book? that's right. the mix is stirred by
my cock
[00:11] Big Cat: oh, i began to weaken long ago
[00:11] David: my cock is being groomed for the role
of national security advisor
[00:12] Big Cat: my cock issued an 'orange alert' today
[00:12] David: my cock issued a 'yellow' and 'white'
alert today
[00:12] Big Cat: my cock is known for it's uncanny impersonation
of sammy davis jr,
[00:13] David: 99% of people who have eaten my cock
say it tastes like chicken
[00:13] Big Cat: gyah
[00:13] Big Cat: my cock consumes 85% of the world's
resources, but only takes up 5% of the space!
[00:14] David: my cock has been romantically linked
to paris hilton, along with every other cock on earth
[00:14] David: and several from other planets
[00:15] Big Cat: my cock fores 3000 rounds per minute
[00:15] Big Cat: fires. ahhhhhhhh
[00:15] Big Cat: my cock has dominated golf for the
past 7 years
[00:15] David: my cock clashed with lucy liu on the
set of 'charlie's angels'
[00:16] Big Cat: my cock flew around the planet in a
fit of rage and turned back time after lois lane was killed in an
earthquake
[00:16] David: my cock has pinpoint accuracy
[00:17] Big Cat: okay, that one sucked
[00:17] David: go to hell
[00:17] David: that was an expressionistic one
[00:18] Big Cat: yeah, okay
[00:18] David: my cock painted the celebrated 'blue
poles', later purchased by the national gallery
[00:18] Big Cat: my cock is under fire from church groups
after appearing in a nine minute rape scene with monica belluci in
"irreversible"
[00:19] David: my cock is reviled by latter day art
historians for its concessions to commercialism
[00:19] Big Cat: dalicock
[00:19] David: very good
[00:20] Big Cat: before that, picassocock?
[00:20] Big Cat: the norse god odin hanged himself from
my cock for nine days to gain wisdom
[00:21] Big Cat: no, wait, pollock
[00:21] David: right
[00:21] David: thor called my cock "mjolnir"
[00:21] Big Cat: many say that happy days went downhill
after the fonz jumped over my cock on a motorcycle
[00:22] David: my cock is perhaps known for its role
as the zany "reverend jim" on "taxi"
[00:22] Big Cat: sisyphus tried to capture death, and
was punished for his hubris by having to push my cock uphill in hell
for the rest of eternity
[00:23] Big Cat: my cock is patrick stewart, star if
tv's star trek, the next generation, and the host of the new documentary,
"mgm: when the lion roars"
[00:23] David: archaeologists are still puzzled today
as to how the egyptians were able to construct my cock with their
seemingly primitive technology
[00:24] Big Cat: *faltering, grabbing red bull*
[00:24] Big Cat: my cock contains taurine!
[00:24] David: wanna stop?
[00:24] David: i have work to do
[00:24] Big Cat: i think we can call it a draw
[00:24] David: rematch any time
