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STAR WARS
EPISODE III:
REVENGE OF
THE SITH

BY ADAM WAJNBERG
MAY 16, 2005

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This nifty keen science fiction picture, from maverick director George Lucas (The Last Picture Show) sure is getting a lot of press. The rumour mill is that hundreds of thousands of dollars have been spent in creating monsters and armies on the screen... that don't actually exist!

It's just a little hard to write a review for Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. I mean, it's already here. We already live with it. You've already forked over your $44 dollars for tickets and a pack of Starburst, you've already forced yourself to be excited when the big yellow letters come down -- hell, you've already read this review. So let's get this over with.

Wait, wait -- I have to say, this really sucks. Not the movie, I'll get to that -- but the fact I have to write a negative review. I chafe in the presence of motion pictures that are so convinced of their own importance, as if a movie has ever, EVER been important at all. But I also chafe at the idea that I'm going to be joining the legions -- LEGIONS, I tells ya -- of critics who pan this mess. So I went in, determined to put cynicism aside and just enjoy Star Wars III -- Revenge Of The Sith. (No, I'm not going to abbreviate that. Shut up).

BUT DAMMIT! Almost from the first frame I wanted to leave the theatre. I mean, I can handle the odd line of bad dialogue, the odd scene of ham fisted exposition, I can even handle the horrifying, HORRIFYING cutesy-poo noises of smart alecky robots cracking wise amongst each other. But fuck me, I just can't handle 140 minutes of it. Especially not in a film where I know what's going to happen, what the twists will be, and where I am told before hand that "THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PIECE OF FILM HISTORY".

Also, I am so sick of everyone in these films talking about how good a certain Jedi is with a light saber -- and then when they fight, his skills are no better or worse than his opponents, and besides the occasional 10 foot leap into the air, looks like pretty sub-standard swordplay anyway. GYAHH!

I went in with low expectations, and that has almost always meant that I enjoy the film. But even I could not anticipate how old and stale this franchise has gotten. Star Wars III- Revenge of The Sith is no worse than the last two Star Wars flicks, and in the occasional spot it raises just above those other two abominations (Ewan McGregor's Obi Wan becomes like a sort of galactic Johnny Knoxville -- utterly fearless and kinda charming), but that seems beside the point. After the first two flicks were panned by critics and audiences alike (but which made their money because it was a foregone conclusion), Lucas learnt nothing -- NOTHING -- from his mistakes, and has applied the same formula to Star Wars III: Revenge of The Sith.

Words tumble like granite turds from Hayden Christensen's lips. There's far too many characters, the only humour is stale (alright, so Yoda's a badass -- please, someone cut a fart before I pelt the screen with $18 maltesers). Natalie Portman has nothing to do besides look pretty (and believe it or not, that gets old after a while). And God help me, I have had enough of CGI. It's time to move back to flesh and blood. If I wanted to watch a video game, I'd have gone to the arcade and watched the kids with their disco dancing. Even the twin babies born at the end (what? You didn't know? That's Luke and Leia! From the old films!) are done in CGI. The fuck?!?!?!? Can filmmakers no longer afford cheap baby?

So look, I'm going to try to say something positive here. Star Wars III: Revenge of The Sith is a bad film. But McGregor doesn't suck. Ian McDiarmid (The Emperor) has his moments, and then other moments when he says "fukkit, I'm going for broke". Samuel L Jackson sucks only a little. And after this, it'll all be over. For a while. And if you find this review harsh, and it lowers your expectations enough that you enjoy the film on any level, than I really envy you. I tried, Oh Lord I did try…

Star Wars III - Revenge of The Sith: 3/10
Helmets made of Pith: 8/10
Kevin Smith: Fat